Ramadhan Muhasabah

I think I'm not reli doing well in dis madrasah of Ramadhan huhu I must reli up the tempo of my ibadah and all. Unfortunately I've not come across any majlis zikirs or the company of Sufi Masters for so long. My heart needs a recharge. Its been so long that it has been dead from the remembrance of God.

And my solat is hardly khusyuk too. Na'uzubillahi min dzalik :(

I was reading this book titled "Men Around The Prophet", which talks about the story of the Sahabah. I was reading pass the story of Ali Karamallahu Wajhah, when I suddenly remembered this verses of the Qur'an:

Successful indeed are the believers
Who are khusyuk in their prayers,
Who avoid vain talk;
Who are active in deeds of charity;
And who guard their modesty -
Except with those joined to them in the marriage bond, or (the captives) whom their right hands possess,- for (in their case) they are free from blame,
But those whose desires exceed those limits are transgressors;-
Those who faithfully observe their trusts and their covenants;
And who (strictly) guard their prayers;-
These will be the heirs,
Who will inherit Paradise: they will dwell therein (for ever).

Surah Al-Mu'minun: 1-11

Na'uzubillah, I have none of this qualities! Surely I would not be among those whom Allah refers to as successful!

The state of khusyuk still eludes me. Oh Allah, when will I achieve that state of ihsan in my prayers?

I need a teacher, whose heart is clean. Who has experienced tauhid musyahadah. Who knows what ma'rifatullah really means.

Of course, when I talk about such people, they do not come from those who dwell on the superficialities of the Syariah, who only knows to condemn others as performing bidaah, who are lost in their debates on whether a hadith is sahih or not.

And they do not come from those who research on the subject known as Sufism and study it as an academic subject, without being blessed with divine vision and grace.

I need a teacher who KNOWS and HAS WALKED the path.

Oh Allah, where will I find this teacher?

Avoiding vain talk is another serious problem. Not to mention, the heart that has an attachment to wealth, such that what ever sadaqah that is given, the heart will question whether there would be enough money to sustain the self for tomorrow.

Oh dearest soul, it is not your wealth who would give you sustenance! It is Allah s.w.t, who is Ar-Razzak! Why have you committed blasphemy?

Guarding the private parts from the act of zina may seem easy. It is the act of preventing the eyes and the heart from committing the same sin that isn't.

And you think you are performing your amanah to the best of your abilities? Let it be known to you that in the Hereafter, all your acts, even as small as the wings of a fly, would be accounted for! And let it be known that the greatest covenant of all, is your covenant with your Rabb!

"Alastu Bi Rabbikum?" (Am I not your Lord?)

And you testified to it!

Remember your covenant with your Lord oh dearest soul! The covenant that you will pay the debt of your existence with your life in servitude of your Lord!

And how would you be among those who guard your prayers, when you don't perform it on time as it is due! Shame on you!

Hmmm....

Looks like I'm very far from the standards of the companions of the Prophet, the Mu'minun...

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I'm very uneasy with the Qur'an being reduced to a performance. I kinda agree with Ustaz Abu Zaki on this - that Musabaqahs are not treating the Qur'an with due respect. They emphasize the tajwid and the tarannum, but they forget abt the fact that the Qur'an is not some concert material that u 'jam' with.

The Qur'an is something that you reflect on and understand. TAFAKKUR, not performance. Not to display whether your voice is beautiful or not when you recite it.

"With clear arguments and scriptures; and We have revealed to you the Reminder (Al-Qur'an) that you may make clear to men what has been revealed to them, and that they may think and reflect." (An-Nahl: 44)

Of course, there is a mention of the hadith that the Prophet S.A.W encouraged that the Quran be recited beautifully.

But at the same time, we need to prioritize the fact that it is the understanding that comes first, followed by the beauty of the voice, in order for one's heart to be moved by the verses of the Holy Qur'an.

But unfortunately, people are more concerned abt the packaging, rather than the content.

And when some call it dakwah, I call it a loss of adab, as defined by Syed Naquib Al-Attas.

And a loss for the Ummah...